Welcome to the first of many lesson plans, developed specifically for small groups. Your group may be an adult Sunday school class, home cell group, or any number of marriage-focused groups. Regardless of the type of group you facilitate, your participants are there for one reason to strengthen their marriage! Each lesson is Christ-centered and Bible-based. This first lesson has couples discuss building their marriages upon the principles of Christ and making Him the center of their relationship. Throughout the next four lessons, you will find "Reflective Questions." These are meant to stimulate class conversation and discussion. May God richly bless you and your class.

Objectives: There are four objectives for this lesson. By the end of the session couples will:

Become aware of the way couples avoid dealing with problems

Identify strategies to effectively work through problems

Relate scriptures to marital issues

Understand that change is necessary for marriages to grow

Scripture References: Colossians 3

Ephesians 4

Book Reference: Strike the Original Match, by Charles R. Swindoll (1992).

Optional activity for the first class: Before beginning the series, place several miscellaneous items on a table. Make sure there are enough items for each person to choose one. Items may include: pen, paper clip, scotch tape, nail, rubber band, watch, paper, calculator, etc. You may also include pictures from magazines. Ask the members of the class to come up to the table and choose one item that they feel represents their marriage. Go around the room asking the class to share the item they chose and how they believe it represents their marriage. This activity is meant to be a positive beginning and usually generates much discussion take your time and listen carefully to each person. It is also a good way for the class members to get to know each other better.

Beginning the session: Ask your participants to brainstorm some common reasons for divorce. (Answers may include financial problems, an affair, lying, or falling out of love (write their answers on the board or chart paper).

Explain: Although all of the listed reasons certainly contribute to the high rate of divorce, more often than not a marriage fails slowly like a slow leak in a tire or the way a plant begins to droop and wither when it is not watered.

Slow leaks are extremely difficult to detect. For example, I came out of church a couple months ago and my back tire was flat the auto repairman told me that the tire had picked up a nail and had been losing air for some time. It is the same for marriages - if couples do not regularly examine their marriages for those slow leaks, they may find their marriage is "flat." Leaks have a tendency to go unnoticed for weeks, months, and even years until the damage is so great, it is beyond repair. Typically, slow leaks are characterized by negligence and inattention.

Reflective Question: Lets discuss the issue of "slow leaks" in a marriage. What kinds of things might be considered slow leaks? Why would you consider that a slow leak? How could that become a marriage breaker? Can you share something you consider a slow leak in your own marriage?

Explain: It takes total dedication on the part of both marriage partners to identify and repair any damage or potential damage to their marriage. It also takes openness and honesty but that openness and honesty must be done in the love of Christ never harsh or critical.

Unfortunately, most couples tend to avoid problems instead of talking about them. Why?

At one time or another, we have all used one or more of the following avoidance techniques! According to Charles Swindoll (1992), couples use these strategies to avoid talking about problems:

First, they go around the problem. When a couple is going around the problem they make excuses, such as, "this isnt so bad", "I dont want my husband/wife to get mad."

Second, some couples ricochet off the real issue and focus on an imaginary problem for example: instead of facing frustrations couples say things such as, "If we had children we wouldnt have these problems", If we had more moneya better housenicer thingsOR "Were just not meant to be together."

Third, couples sometimes retreat from the problem: "Im too set in my ways to change", or "take it or leave it."

Using any of these avoidance strategies can cause potential damage in your relationship. Be aware of them!

Reflective Question: Have you ever used any of these avoidance techniques? Would you be comfortable sharing with the group what technique you used? (Facilitator you may want to use a personal example it get the discussion going). Do you believe these are common avoidance techniques? Can you think of other ways couples avoid discussing and solving a problem?

Explain: To work through problems, you, as a married couple, must be committed to each other and to change. The most important issue to remember is that change must begin with YOU. We cannot change another persons behavior and you should not try to change your spouse let God take care of that first, change your behavior by controlling yourself. The Word of God clearly teaches that through our behavior we can influence others.

Seeking Jesus first is critical to change: seeking forgiveness, repentance, and dying to self is a good beginning. If we are to build our marriage upon THE Rock, then forgiveness is essential. First, we must forgive ourselves, and then we must forgive one another. In the same way that our Father forgives us, we should forgive our spouse.

All marital restoration begins with self-reflection and critical self-examination. The following are questions to ask yourself not to share in class, but later with your spouse. Be honest with your spouse.

o Why did I get married in the first place?

o What were my expectations?

o How am I contributing to my marriage?

o What about my behavior is adding to the problem?

o What areas in my life need work?

o What "grade" would God give me as a husband/wife?

o What "grade" would my spouse give me? Why?

o What "slow leaks" do I sense in my marriage?

(Swindoll, Charles (1992) Strike the Original Match, Insight for Living, CA)

Listen: Ask your spouse what he/she believes needs to be changed. Do not defend or argue his/her comments. Ask them: What is it like to be married to me? Listen for leaks.

Begin again (and again and again). Our God is a God of second chances. Humble yourself before Him and change in your life will be evident.

See it through: commit to change and see it though. You may revert back to the old patterns of behavior be quick to seek forgiveness and move forward never give up remember that Jesus walks every step with you it is our promise.

Conclusion: Ask if there are any questions or issues before leaving. If you believe the question requires more time to answer write it down and tell the class that this will be the first discussion question at the next class.

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